And this is the post in which I let everyone down.
Last night, I had a moment.
A moment where I allowed myself to dwell on all of the things that are rapidly approaching. And maybe this isn't the place for me to talk about it - or maybe it is. Maybe it's what you need to hear. Maybe it's something my heart needs to let go of.
A moment where I failed to look at the positive. A time when all I wanted was to be transported back to that 17 week ultrasound and be told, 'It's a healthy, 10 fingers, 10 toes, perfectly closed spine, little BOY!" I can still picture that room. The shoes I was wearing. The color of Justin's shirt. The image is painfully captured through tear-filled eyes.
Sometimes I feel guilty about this, and sometimes I feel grateful for our journey, as it is teaching us so many important things. But last night, as Justin held me tight and the tears flowed freely down my face, I didn't feel any of those things. I let go of holding it all together for just a little while, and ever-so selfishly, felt sorry for myself.
I thought about all of the surgeries - and all of the potential surgeries - Little brother will face once he arrives. I thought of him recovering in the NICU for an undetermined amount of time and not being able to really hold him for a while. I thought about how I'm going to learn to be a full-time pumping momma while little one requires a feeding tube. And I thought about how all of this will affect the big sister.
I also allowed myself to think of him. I thought of his clubbed feet. And open back. And lemon-shaped head.
I thought about how different it is going to be.
As Justin held me, he waited a while to speak. He let me be sad, but then, in a gentle voice, reminded me, although it seems like it sometimes, everything hasn't gone wrong in this pregnancy. So many good things have transpired and blessed us throughout our journey, and we must dwell on the joy, the good, the love.
As I let his words sink in, my cry turned into a sob. The harder my cry became, the easier it was for me to see how selfish I had been. He was right. Absolutely right.
Although he was right, my human heart still mumbled the word, "why?" and the frailty of my humanity showed through in a big way.
Sometimes it's hard to remember, when Satan's shout is much louder than God's whisper, that our Almighty has got this. His hands hold our hearts, and his strength covers all of our insecurities.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
My God knows the answers to my ever-doubting heart. And He has it all planned out. That's just something I am going to have to learn to trust -time and time again.
4 comments:
Casie:
You, Justin and Ellery are in our prayers every day. I know it's difficult, but you have put your trust in God and that's all you can do. We all look forward to meeting our "Little Buddy".
You have definitely not let anyone down. It would be difficult for us to believe that you never feel sad or frightened because we have all felt those emotions. I do trust that our loving, kind Father will provide any comfort and strength that we need and although we sometimes cry for a short time, “joy comes in the morning”. This precious little boy will be a great addition to your wonderful little family.
I do not look at it as letting anyone down. Your and our hearts ache for this wonderful little boy.
I would LOVE to be able to post on here not to get down or worry or ask why but I KNOW better and know it happens to the best of us! I remember being angry and sad and asking WHY was my baby being born with "issues" when I'm parked next to a woman who is OBVIOUSLY 7+ months pregnant and sitting in her car smoking away and her baby will likely have NO issues and I've done everything right and in the same moment I QUESTIONED God he SLAPPED me in the face saying there was my answer! He GAVE Evan to me bc I could care for him and love him and she likely wouldn't properly! I was also given the gloom and doom pictures of clubbed feet, hydrocephalus, and Chiari ALL seen on ultrasound on,y to have my baby boy come out with only one clubbed foot, no hydrocephalus and it never developed which means no shunt, and no Chiari which meant a normal head! I was told by one of my AMAZING doctors that he nor I nor anyone would know what or if or when Evan would do things so don't worry over and let it happen! We have FULLY lived by that ever since! We make him TRY everything, don't let him say I can't, and we don't tell him he can't do something either. He is ten time the daredevil his older brother is too! So once again I'd LOVE to tell you don't worry, don't, get sad, don't question, but I KNOW better, so question and think get your answer and move on!
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