I know there has been silence on my end of the blog-world lately. Lately, Justin and I have been making the moments count, prioritizing life, and enjoying the time that we have together - as just husband and wife - before our great, new adventure makes her way into the world very, very soon. As this pregnancy draws to a close and we enter the weeks of 'she could be born anytime now', our thoughts are full of prayer for the health and safety of this little girl, for her to be strong and happy and loved ...but this blog post is not intended to be about Little. Its purpose is greater than that.
It is a bit hard for me to write of happiness and excitement and a growing family when, at this very moment, all I feel is sadness. With tears falling on the keyboard and my head pounding from a day full of crying, I replay many years of barbecues on Christmas Eve, of tailgating before and after Carolina football games, of smiling uncontrollably when Carolina beat Alabama, and of many wonderful mountain vacations. All of these sweet memories were spurred this morning, when my phone was on silent and my mom was trying to reach me and my dear husband ran into the house with a face full of sorrow, there to give me the news of my grandmother's passing.
I don't deal with death well. Actually I am terrible at it. I realize my grandma is in a much better place, peaceful, away from the dialysis machines that have plagued her life over the past several months. I realize that she is now free to enjoy and be happy and worry-free. But I still cry - in a selfish, I'm really going to miss her kind of way. I cry that she missed meeting her first great-grand child by just a few weeks (maybe less than that) and I cry for my dad who lost his mom and Mr. Jim who lost his wife. The sweet memories I have of my grandma make losing her so much harder. Knowing that from now on life goes on, we make new memories without her, birthdays and holidays will lack a certain luster.
Although things will be different without her, she left a smile in all of our hearts and we are all better people because of her. If she felt the love of her family it is because she taught us all to love. She taught us to cherish good times and accept each others differences. She truly was a wonderful woman, who looked for the good in everyone and loved with all of her heart.
She will be remembered and loved, always.
2 comments:
Casie, You have been on my mind lately as time winds down. I am so sorry to hear of your grandmothers passing. It would be hard under any circumstance, but I know how things are so much harder emotionally when you are pregnant. I hope and pray that God will fill you with peach and give you grace for every moment. I am also praying for You, Justin and Little as it nears time for you all to meet.
Beth, thank you so much for your precious comment. Loss is hard no matter what and I tend to take it pretty hard anyway, so pregnancy probably didn't help. Thank you for your prayers for me in this time and for the end of our pregancy. It is nice to know there are people who care. We really do appreciate everything, from the thoughts to the prayers!
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